Hello blog.
It's been awhile. I do apologize. I have written things in the last 5 months, but none to your attention, and for that I'm sorry. I haven't forgotten you.
The last 6 months have been a whirlwind, maybe the fastest 6 months of my life. I met a girl who was all things magical and wonderful, but it wasn't meant to be - not here or now at least. We gave 'we' a shot though, and I'm thankful and proud of that. We didn't play games with our 'status' or hide our feelings for each other. All that was mostly in the open, and our good communication meant the world when it came time to decide whether to step forward or step back from our wonderful, albeit brief interlude as 'we'.
She is still my dear friend and I am still hers. I won't lie and tell you being 'friends' brings me much satisfaction, and it hurts seeing her come off like it does, but that accents the difference in our desire and ability to press forward in our pursuit of each other. I don't want to sound upset in saying that, because I'm not. I'm just disappointed because in my impatience I want right now what God says isn't best for me, right now.
Relationships create what I call a healthy disorder. They have a knack for butchering some of the holy cows of personal comfort. My disorder didn't begin the moment we realized we weren't supposed to be 'we', but when we realized 'we' was a shot worth taking. 'We' changed the way I think. I was accountable to another person in way I hadn't been before. I had to take a close look at the jokes I told, movies I watched, and many things that I let come into and out of my mind. Being in some form of relationship with her required me to check my words, actions, and thoughts - not out of any insecurity, but out of a desire to present myself before her rooted in Christ.
So I think there is an element of disorder there - that relationships, good ones anyway, require wiggle room in areas you didn't think were pliable; space is needed to fit another person into the picture. That's not to say, however, that this disorder is without purpose. Falling in love and holding open the many parts of your life, healthy or not, to the thoughts and opinions of someone else - this is what I mean when I say 'we'. These were the waters I tested, and for reasons I'll understand some day later than today, God called my ship back into dock as I approached the high seas. I believe those are the seas that carry the most danger and the most work, but they are the seas that every sailor longs for - they are his song and his romance. Being that, any disorder, any change required to get there is an effort well spent, and that's how I feel about my pursuit of her.
God has assured me he has a 'we' in store for me, and will bless me with a relationship that honors and worships Him. He has told me this in enough ways, some direct, that I can hope with confidence, and He's given me a lot of hope, and He's given me a lot to hope for. In this one area, the desire to have a family, to pass on a legacy of faith to my children, that is a big big big big hope.
There's more to write on how to live and conduct life while hoping for a wife, a family, and the great 'we'. I won't write about that here. Just for now, I want to sit on this hope and savor it for awhile.